Topic: The Chit Chat Thread

@Ravix Oh the duck, that was a bit of a strange experience. I think everyone remembers seeing their first duck, cow, sheep etc. I even tried to milk one before, cow not a duck. I'm trying to remember the other animals but I'm drawing a blank. That Paté was so delicious. I joined PETA for maybe two weeks until our first charity dinner, they weren't eating meat. Naturally I talked about steak etc, that was the end of my membership. It was mostly bored house-wives looking for something to complain about, I just wanted steak. It wasn't a good fit. I do let the music scream into the void for me, or at least I did in the past but don't need to in the present. Which you expertly picked up on, because as you know it's a dangerous business walking outside of your front-door. Especially if you are young and aspiring.

@Ravix Ah, I saw that (unfortunately enough). It's seemingly been a lot of bad news over the last week, so I totally get you. I try to limit my exposure to bad news as well. I don't want to turn into one of those people who are endlessly doomscrolling throughout the whole day. I can't afford for my mental health to deal with all of that on top of everything else already! Of course I still want to be in the know, but I'll check the news every few days for any big news stories if it hasn't already popped up on my social media feed everywhere. That's good enough for me. Maybe we don't need to rebel, but just start out very own sambuca-commune somewhere in the wilderness. Indulging into desires optional! That is, as long as the grease doesn't reach above 49%...

What bit are you talking about? We're simply discussing your very reasonable kink. I am no kink-shamer! And since you asked, I have another giant face for you, courtesy of Bayonetta. Hope you enjoy.

@Tjuz I have something written out for you, I'll try to get it posted some time today. You hit on some things that were correct and rather than pretend that you didn't I decided to share something that would confirm that, and also clear some other things up in the process. There will be a mention of heads too and a happy ending. But not in whatever way Ravix has a kink for heads that I apparently missed.

@Tjuz yeah, no doom scrolling. It affects me too much, too, so I know that feeling. It isn't worth the risk to our own health. But sometimes I do see a thing and can't help ranting a bit about society or whatever, but these are usually things I am not smart enough or powerful ebough to solve, so it is a bit pointless. If you do ever need to unburden anything in the more personal level to feel better I'm a very awkward open ear, so feel free to unburden. Even if it takes embarrasing anecdote form (the best kind) afyer all, a problem shared is a problem halved, but a problem mocked in a self derogatory way is a problem beaten. Kind of.

Oh, ho! it all makes sense now 🫢🫢 it cannot be denied any longer 🙈

We're past the point of any context now, and that is the last step for it becoming actual reality. Indeed, do not shame my kink, for it is unashamedly kinky.

@GirlVersusGame sorry if I seemingly noped out of the music thread by the way. I'm a half-wit boy, cracking a smile and wearing it all on my sleeve. But I don't know, maybe Silence is golden, especial(ayyy) in this case. I think I felt awkward and didn't want to keep bringing things up for you even if we were still kind of talking in code.

As for the above nonsense, Tjuz was talking about his massive facial faux pas he made on the forum (by posting a huge photo) which I missed anyway. But the awkwardness of the moment he described entertianed me greatly. One thing led to another and I think we are basically dating now 🫢 i'm muddying the waters on purpose with this response too 😛 I told you being normal bores me.

@Ravix Oh that's fine, I mean music after the fact. For example if you had fear of heights, got over it then listened to a song about a fear of heights while actually at the top of the building. I'm not doing a good job of explaining it. I mean that the theme was something I did experience (Maroon 5 man) the lyrics are relatable, the situation done and dusted and so just listening becomes cathartic because 'I beat this' therefore I beat him. It's a reminder of something that you might call traumatic but that I moved past and so a particular song might serve as a reminder of that victory, by listening I remove the elements that originally had power over me. I face it head on, it's a mechanism I developed and it works. It steels my resolve to remember. It doesn't lock me into those emotions of the past, rather it grounds me to the present and makes me grateful for that outcome. If that makes sense.

I felt awkward and didn't want to keep bringing things up for you even if we were still kind of talking in code.

• That's why I'm spoiler tagging a clear reply to Tjuz once I'm sure I wrote it properly. And I'll un-spoiler the happy parts, the now.

I think we see bringing up things differently. I'm factual because at the time I had no one to tell, I went from one bad situation to the next and each increased with intensity. I learned a different way of dealing with things, it's kind of mechanical yes but a lot of it was just a consequence of my situation.

People see little snippets of what goes on behind the closed doors of high profile people, I've seen a lot more than I can ever admit because I went through it too. Everyone is fair game when you make those rules, even our own. I don't feel awkward discussing the truth, not when it's covered up by everyone else. I can't swing a plush cat around a room here without hitting some kind of secret, it becomes life.

There was only ever one person that I called a friend and she taught me a lot. She was no nonsense around those same men and had the ability to just say it like it is. I learned to be factual from her, maybe it was her Americanized upbringing or maybe it was something else, empathy like you have.

The same system that raised me is the same system that caused her to flee Russia. If I don't make some kind of effort to break out (like this) a little, I'll be lost to frequent propaganda etc. You and Tjuz showed a genuine kind of interest, people just don't do that. It should hurt to talk about these things but it doesn't. Another big component was music, it was direct and straight to the point, it helped me to understand those situations when I couldn't. When those situations were done and dusted those songs still remained as some of my favorites. Generals have stars, I have likes on a playlist. That's the same way I see it. Each like is a kind of elevated perspective and a reminder that I earned it.

Things like security are more common than people think, it's just so well blended especially in London. Like I said to Tjuz I don't resent it. If it wasn't a natural necessity then maybe I'd feel awkward talking about it. And I do have privacy it's just more selective. I don't dwell on what's 'outside', if I did maybe then I'd resent it but I wouldn't even know what I'd be resenting. I don't even think I understand resentment, the concept yes but I've never felt it.

I feel more awkward trying to understand those comments in the news section than I do anything else and I'm talking about the more 'big wide world' side of things because I'm not plugged into the news media. The rest I do see as normal, things like sexuality do come up but I think that's healthy and only becomes awkward when you pretend it doesn't exist and lock it away. Talking with another person like this isn't awkward to me, nor is the subject matter. I learned from every experience.

I think people are too quick to react, too quick too judge, especially when they see a kind of lifestyle or person. Tjuz initially saw the more glamorous side and all of the frequent travel, I'm trying to show the more honest side, and with it myself. It would be nice if some of my favorite songs, bands and genres aren't tied to some kind of previous event but I don't think music is written just for dancing. It makes you feel something, show you something, and to then reflect, it's universal, you felt it too.

@GirlVersusGame I'll be happy to hear whatever you have to share! I'll prioritise replying to it then as well, since I'm still working on a long reply for everything else you've posted. Between parties, hangovers and work, it's been a long few days! I'm intrigued to see what heads you have to share.

@Ravix An awkward open ear is the best kind of open ear! I think we've both pretty much established we tend to go the humurous route even if a topic can get serious and the other is clearly matching that same energy, so we fit perfectly together on that front! I'm glad you've finally accepted your love for giant heads. I'll have to make sure that the next time I might post a picture of myself here, I'll zoom it in enough again to appeal to you. Gotta keep my date interested beyond these first impressions. 😉

@Tjuz I just got back in from a night myself, I have to do something for an hour then I'll try to get what I wrote posted. No hangovers either, I've been getting a lot of sleep. Those heads are complicated, the ones I wrote about but I think it will highlight something. I'm trying to dowse a lot in sugar and spoilers, even the heads. For the rest I'll use some examples from my friend in Saint Petersburg, you might think of her as an angel after I do, that's kind of how I see her and how I said she is so important.

@GirlVersusGame no worries. Badically I just kind of had that thought, you know, when you said some stuff was hidden for 10 years, like 'uh, oh. I don't really know you and I don't want to suddenly be dragging up all kinds of other s*** for you" but yeah, you listen to the music at will, you shared it here, so it makes sense that it is okay to be more open, I suppose. I'm just wary when some things can flood back unexpectedly in our minds, but we know how we dealt with things, so we are already stronger to deal with that if that does happen. And yeah, I treat music the same way, as you know, so I probably shouldn't have felt weird for saying something. But I did and then didn't know what to say after that as those thoughts came to me 🙈

I don't think i've ever really considered you being any different based on any of the lifestyle differences, upbringing or anything either, you are still just a person I kind of relate to in some ways. That's literally all that matters.

I do think i'll try and focus on the good stuff when talking though, strange tales, anecdotes, but maybe sometimes a bit of a cathartic get together in the music thread is also good from time to time 😄

@Tjuz don't trouble yourself, I wouldn't want to ruin the awkward mishap you had by trying to recreate it. Just be glad I missed it as it might have truly floored me 😍 and we can't be having that now, i've got to stay poised, play hard to get 😛

@Tjuz If I do this right the first time the spoiler tags should denote what I didn't completely saturate in sugar, so fair warning given. Also don't worry the heads weren't alive, you'll see what I mean.

I need to use the past and present to form a kind of distinction and clear some things up. It might sound a little weird but I'm going to use Batman to lay the foundations. It's a very short piece of dialogue from the very first Tim Burton movie and it rings through, I identify with it wholeheartedly. There are two characters and they are attending Wayne Manor for a dinner party, or possibly a charity event or a function. They go off the beaten path and come upon various suits of armour, one of them makes the statement and it's 'do you know why the rich are so odd? because they can afford to be', and he's quite right to a point. That character saw it as money being the currency to oddness, only it's what I said about that absence of money as a currency. Once you take that concept of cash and replace it with power, power over people specifically, the sky becomes the limit. It really does.

My social circle as you called it, correctly, is primarily made up of odd people because they too reached that point of thinking. My cousin for example, she was fast-tracked because she observed her world, studied her Father and understood from a very early age that money wasn't how you got what you wanted, it was power. She then used that line of thinking to get what she needed, and it worked. That's why I think no one corrected her, and why even as an adult they still don't. What we did together wasn't damaging per-say because it was two children, we made it into a game. Perhaps it was pre-planned. It did however re-wire something in both of us, or perhaps there were no wires there yet to even make those connections. I don't think we were old enough to develop critical thinking, especially when we essentially lived in an atmosphere where you don't think for yourself, ever.

You don't think for yourself because you don't do anything for yourself, not out of laziness but because if you do you aren't the only one who gets scolded for doing it. It became 'that's their job, not yours'. That was Paris, I once tried to make my bed because I'd read a quote about a soldier who said if you can make your bed in the morning then you can do anything. I thought I could do it, so I tried and the result wasn't 'well done', it was explosive. They didn't just take it out on me, they took it out on the person who was supposed to do it. That's how you prevent personal accomplishment, you remove even the most basic responsibility, to the point where they do rely on people/staff for so much. I have a habit? (not sure of the word) of saying 'thank you' whenever someone brings me a drink, a meal, or is just nice to me in general. I just naturally always do it.

In Paris that's 'merci beaucoup'. Two very simple words. That family corrected me every single time, as in don't say thank you it's their job. They didn't understand gratitude because they had none. Etiquette, politeness and demeanour were codes of conduct yes, but selective. For them respect only flowed one way. I wasn't sent there for etiquette or to learn social graces, I already had those. They were trying to teach me how to put people into a box, I couldn't do it then and I still can't. They were a very old family too and had their own ways, the 'oddness'.

That 'oddness' permeates the very fabric of my world today. Most of those people (adults) have already connected those wires and know what to do (in any situation) to obtain a favourable result. My Partner is no exception but it comes from a good place. I'm going to refer to yesterday evening as an example. We were once again out for dinner, a usual members only haunt. The clientele were a mix of the usual bored bankers, husbands probably out with someone they shouldn't be, and possibly a celebrity or two (I don't know TV stars, my girlfriend said they were) People want discretion for all kinds of reasons, I might get a little star-struck if I do see someone I admire but I'd never leave the table and try to talk to them. They just want time to breath like everyone else and that's one of the only ways they can achieve it. People do socialize after, perhaps sit for a cigar or some drinks, that's part of it, hence socializing. Last night was no different. It was the same setting but I was having trouble with my appetite, something that follows me through relationships and life.

My Ex wasn't a subtle man, maybe you gathered that by now, I called him rabid because he was an Animal. Even the leader of the pack can be rabid. His method was to raise his voice, like eat in caps lock, aggressive. Sometimes that worked and sometimes it didn't because I can't always take someone shouting in my face. Something switches off and I can't react at all. It happened over and over again, in our home, while out shopping (not one person on a busy street did a thing, I saw the police and nothing happened, they kept walking. They knew who he was. That's power) and even when we were out dining.

Until finally one night I had to do something. I managed to get excused from the table and went to the restroom. I messaged my Americanized friend from Saint Petersburg (she said if I ever had trouble to contact her immediately) I asked was Google right (I had no other way to know) She knew right away that something wasn't right, she already had suspicions. She had a way of switching too, not that lifestyle she was 'normal', it was like being able to adopt the role of a parent talking to a child. It's how she got through to me that night and a couple of other times earlier in life. She then asked for a brief synopsis of the previous seven days.

This was some of that conversation. At the time I wasn't myself, he'd essentially broken me down. I can't get the spoiler tag to work on it, it's grim.

I only made it to day four before she gave me an ultimatum. Either I call my parents and tell them I needed to be pulled out or she'd fly to Moscow in three hours and show them what I sent her. She was serious. She was so angry but not at me, I did look up to her, so I did what she said and made the call. My parents told me they were sending people and to return to our table and act like nothing was wrong. But also to try to delay him if it took longer. I kept thinking the guy outside the restroom knew what we'd been talking about, he walked me back to our table and my mind was on full alert.

She'd professionally pulled all of that out of me in a matter of minutes and started compiling each message to show my parents. Some is grim, I censored a lot, left out a lot. Those are the sugar-coated parts. It was much worse than those messages and she had enough to make sure something happened. Either she was going to do it or I was. At the back of my mind I thought 'if it's her who does it, he'll come after my friend'.

I couldn't even look at him. I thought he would read my eyes and know what I did. I knew people were coming and I didn't know how he'd react. Within an hour some people came (we were still at the restaurant) he was told to stand down and give me up. It was a very volatile (Ravix's word) situation. He wasn't always like that, it started off magical it really did.

The very first evening we met he brought me outside into a very warm night, and his eyes were so shiny, I was lost in them truly, he was so kind, said some really nice things, and of course he was handsome, so butterflies and lots of them just fluttering through me. We were somewhere in Europe looking out over a lake, I felt really safe with him. He motioned to hold hands and when I put mine over his it sparked something. He slapped my wrist and said to never do that again, never to put my hand over his because that one simple act was seen as Dominance. I didn't see it as a warning sign, no one did because we were outside alone, it was a lovely night and I felt really lucky. It was really magical and it was my first 'real' relationship, I was an adult on paper but emotionally I hadn't had that early girl meets boy thing like in movies, I had experienced something else and I thought that was behind me. He made so many promises, I fell for every single one of them. Even now after everything he did I still feel flustered just thinking about that evening, it was just so very perfect. Magical is the only word I have for it.

I didn't know that to him 'Mine' meant mine regardless of any set parameters. That meant he didn't actually agree to my limits or even see consent as an option. He was so nice to me for so long, he talked to me, listened to me and wanted to know so much. He wanted to teach me things (what you asked about goal orientated) He was just such a gentleman, until he wasn't.

I knew I fudged up, but I didn't know how. He called that a lesson, and it worked. I never talked back to him again. And I did everything he said even if I didn't want to do it because every time something happened he made me think that I had already agreed to do it. He could twist words, twist meanings and make me believe anything.

I did the exact same thing for my Partner a couple of nights before you and I first talked, hence de-spawning from my chair and respawning under the table. But that was consent and we had a certain level of discretion, his people, that mental bond, my actual need to make him so very happy, along with the smile of my girlfriend that spells 'go back to what you were doing, nothing to see here', her eyes can say a lot and she knows how to use them. Those are the parameters and they were followed to the letter.

My Ex was shiny like an apple you know? firm yes but I thought that was just part of our arrangement. In truth he was rotted inside, like if someone leaves fruit out too long. Over time the fruit just rots more, this was him. After a time I hardly knew up from down while around him, I was really confused. That's how he held onto me for so long, I didn't know he was breaking the rules. That became life day and night. He just did what he wanted because I believed he was right. You know this saying to be wrapped around the finger? It was that. He could make me do anything, and did.

He did not want to let me go on that final night and I was already on what you call a short leash. They had to hold him down, pick me up (physically) and bring me straight from there to a waiting a plane. Once home it was lockdown until they knew where he was. I didn't sleep for a week, I knew he was out there. He would tell me that if I ever tried to leave him that he would find me, he already knew where I was. They started to move my things from his home to another in London, all I wanted were my stuffed animals and when I did get them back they were missing their heads. He destroyed the one thing he knew I cared about, they were sort of like my children. I never got those heads back either, I couldn't fix them. The only one that still had it's head was one he'd given me early into the relationship. It still had it's head but it was bound tightly in string, like in Red Dead Redemption, just like that. I knew what that meant.

That's what I mean about there being no compromise, if you have to leave you leave. They were seriously concerned for my safety and when word came down they did the right thing. This also goes back to what I said about Oligarchs, they protect their money we protect our Families. You said you would feel a kind of resentment to having someone by your side at all times, it brings me the kind of comfort that I have not the words for. I see them as more than their job title, and always will.

He didn't fully stay away at first (Maroon 5 Animals, Raxix is very observant and so are you for using the word Psycho) Action had to be taken and eventually he was out of my life. He was what you would call obsessed. I think obsession to the extreme can result in possession, a person can be driven so hard towards that goal of having full control over a person and they'll do anything to purge the fixation. I'd already willingly given it, Ownership, to the wrong person. He lost that possession and went on the war-path. He was incredibly dangerous and was trying to make it his life's mission to get me back. I was afraid that part of me would agree to return, just so we'd have calm.

He caused trouble for his own people too, he had to be sent away. When you said 'lots of Psychos out there', you were right. I think he was a psychopath. He broke every rule we have and every rule his Family have, he was only after one thing and it wasn't money. He made me think that if you want to be considered an adult then you had to do adult things, but his idea of the word adult was self-serving and horrid. Afterwards it was being back to be treated like a child again, he tricked me and manipulated me so he could get what he wanted.

That's when power and influence become dangerous, people seek something else. He had that something else and didn't want to give it up. He was in my head for longer than I'd care to admit. I went absolutely no where alone and I mean no where. I had them check under my bed every night, walk me to the bathroom, check in there too, I was constantly on edge by any sound or even a breeze of air. I've never been in every room in my parents home, ever, but I wanted them to check every corner or I just wouldn't sleep. It became a major security operation just to get me to sleep for even an hour, I knew he had similar resources and I didn't know how he'd try to use them. Everything he said he'd do to me if I ever left him was running around in my mind, he wasn't physically there but in my mind he was.

I'd already been taken once years before and that was my only reference point for what could happen again. They were considering different options like hiding me somewhere in Europe but the risk was too high. Eventually he surfaced and stopped after some persuasion. But my panic didn't, I was hiding fire-arms bigger than myself around my bedroom, I didn't believe he was gone. I'd wake up at night and think he was in bed with me, then I'd run out of the room. I started appearing in peoples beds, they'd wake up and find me there. I'd sneak into peoples bedrooms and quietly climb into bed with them. Then my parents decided to just have someone stay in my room at night but that didn't work either. I thought if I spent each night in a different room it would be harder for him to find me, so that became my routine and no one knew where I'd appear next. He was gone but he wasn't, it was constant fear.

This continued night and day until I met my Partner.

My parents had hosted yet another repetitious dinner party and I didn't want to be alone so I'd start to place my dinner plate on a pillow and sit on the floor by the fire with my back to everyone. I wasn't being rude, it was just too loud and busy for me at that time. I had everything I needed, books, a tablet, and headphones. At some point of the evening I felt movement behind me, I turned and saw a very nice looking man with a warm smile. He knelt down beside me and started very light conversation. I was slowly paying attention to what he was actually saying like you tune in a radio dial, at that point people were pretty much background noise but there was something different about him. He said he was going to sit down and if I wanted to talk some more he'd be nearby. I went back to my book and every now and then I'd glanced over and sure enough he was looking back. I felt like I was being discourteous so I put my book down and went over to him. He started asking about my book, and other random questions. He'd ask me something, then tell me something, which eventually became a conversation.

It was getting late and he asked me when I was going to bed, I explained my sleeping process and how a couple of nights before someone screamed because I appeared in their room in the dark. He said he wouldn't be upset if I appeared in his room in the dark. That became him asking my parents permission for me to stay in his bed that night, so I did, but not in the way you think. He stayed to one side and I the other. I slept for hours, for the very first time in months I had no nightmares. When I woke up he was there and breakfast was due soon. I did my usual very slow pecking and was met with 'it tastes better when it's warm', and just like that I picked up the pace. Breakfast was eventually taken away and he went downstairs. I went to get ready for the day, which basically meant someone played with my hair for an hour. When I did go downstairs he was in mid-conversation with my parents so I went back to my book. They said I should show him the gardens, I did. We walked and he did some more talking, I did a little too. The day continued like that, the next too, then we went to dinner in the city, which went quite well.

On the third day he told me that he'd asked my parents if he could take me back to London on a kind of trial period and that they agreed but that he wanted to know if I too would agree. I thought it over for a while and said yes. We lived together for about a month, we were both under a kind of microscope. My parents wanted to be sure I was safe and that we were compatible. The month passed without any problems. I agreed to stay. I knew I could trust him, I believed his promises, he'd not once given me a reason to doubt anything he said.

We set a date for a formal collaring. Which is a little like the kind of marriage you mentioned. We drew up legally binding contracts, vows, promises. I willingly handed myself over to him. The collar went click and those documents went into a safe and also went click. I called my parents and told them it was done. They then authorized certain contracts of their own to his Family, bonds strengthened, opportunities were secured and I gained a lot more big brothers, in the triple digits. I entered the room as a commodity and exited as property. Intense yes but it's what I wanted. We brought a lot of people together with that one action, many bridges, many flight paths. That's what we call legacy, that's one of our methods of growth. As I said we are decades behind, perhaps even longer. It is however in the blood to expand those opportunities, we have many ways to accomplish that.

I'd been through a lot and he understood that. There were lots of odd little broken pieces again, he didn't see them as flaws. He saw each one as something special, not to be taken advantage of. He took one particular odd broken piece and turned it into companionship then carefully used it to bring about absolute calm. It might sound scary to think that someone can send your mind away by using various techniques, it's really not. What my cousin did was not all that different, but it primarily benefited her and there were no controls or protocols in place. She was an amateur, he's a professional. Now there are both and it's 'normal' because to us it really is. Then maybe two hours pass and 'I'm back'. It doesn't matter where those two hours are actually spent, I'm just mentally not there. That's a vacation and it's daily behavior wherever we go. So in a way I do take vacations, just of a different kind. I had one tonight.

I thought my Ex's behaviour was normal because when we were out people would just continue to eat, drink, go about their evening, they saw it all. He had what you would call a fuse that's very short and just the smallest thing made him go off, and so I didn't say a word. Afterwards we'd socialize, drinks, etc and no one would bring it up, they'd talk/laugh among themselves and I'd just nod and follow the conversation. You used a term very early into our conversation called walking on egg-shells, I looked it up and you were right, that saying fits. It took someone from the outside (your world) to tell me it was wrong. I had nothing else to compare it to because once again 'older man, much younger girl'. He was more than twice my age. I couldn't eat around him because I couldn't even keep my fork from shaking, he would get so angry and no one would lift a finger to help. It happened everywhere we went, except Moscow. He was so good at hiding it. Something ever so small would set him off, especially food which was already a struggle. He found faults in everything I did, and if anyone as much as looked at me he'd react in a very violent manner. I can't elaborate there either.

I'll describe my Partner's approach to the exact same problem (appetite) yesterday evening, the same setting except my girlfriend was there too. You might not agree with that method either but it's more civilized than the former and I didn't need a doctor afterwards.

As I said it was the same problem, I was having a hard time eating, the food was fine I just couldn't keep any kind of pace with either of them, and it was noticeable. He didn't shout at me and say I better eat or else. He called me over to his side, sat me on the floor by his chair and went on eating his meal while sporadically passing food from his hand to my mouth. He wasn't focused on any nearby reactions, he knew I had to eat something and knew his way would work. If anyone did glance over my girlfriend just quietly smiled back, people went back to what they were doing and it worked because I did eat.

By the same token those same people wouldn't have even raised an eye-brow had it been my Ex's approach. Yes there's an oddness there like that Batman dialogue but oddness doesn't always have to be damaging. My Partner found a way to get that result and to not cause distress or that paralysis that comes from shouting in someone's face, or those other disciplinary actions. My Ex did that everywhere, if it was public the staff wouldn't get involved. One time he did it in a hotel lobby in Europe, the police were called and when they arrived they apologized to him for wasting 'his' time. He had a kind of authority about him.

In both cases the observer most likely lacks some form of empathy because both actions aren't 'normal' (in your world) and the former is as my friend said demeaning to the person. My mind doesn't register it as demeaning, not with my Partner. It's not meant to degrade. He can reach into my mind like no one else I've ever met and instantly put me at ease or at rest, it's a skill yes but it's not used to take advantage of me. The former would put me on a kind of edge for the rest of the night, it really scared me when he'd do that, but no one cared. If I was sleepy and started to slouch he'd slam the table and I'd almost have a heart-attack. He knew I had trouble with sudden noises and he used it against me. My friend thought he was torturing me, maybe he was.

I was sleepy tonight while we were out. My Partner had someone bring a blanket from one of the cars. He didn't care where we were, he cared that I was tired. I slept on the floor beside his chair for hours. He continued on with the evening and made sure no one disturbed me. That to me is the right approach and it's his approach. He doesn't need to raise his hand or voice. To me that's a man, and yes it could be 'odd' but it caused no harm and he met two very basic needs by understanding the person.

My Ex didn't see me as a person, people in power don't see their employees or their citizens as people either. They hire and fire whole teams of people like you might order a coffee. They treat everyone around them just like my Ex treated me and they hold the keys to everything, what you called access, again you were right. He was the very definition of the abuse of power and he had absolute power. Not one person ever challenged him. Until I did and I paid for it.

We always had people around us, he too was social so of course we went out often. We had as you say security with us and what I call 'friends' but they were his, not mine. They knew what he was like and looked the other way. Perhaps one or two may have wanted to say something (one was kind, brought me places and attempted small talk) but it wasn't their place, they weren't there to protect him from himself, or me from he. There was a boundary there, a line they wouldn't cross and so it continued. As I said we police ourselves, if there is an action the reaction is always internal.

Both men have specific methods that will bring about the outcome they want, both use a kind of power over someone else, one does it to harm or cause distress, the other just needed me to eat. My Partner took a genuine need and used what was in his power to accomplish his goal. I didn't do it because he wanted me to eat in big loud caps-locks, he didn't need force or a raised hand. He didn't want me to do as he said or ordered, he wanted me to 'want to' to do as he said or ordered. My natural overwhelming need to please him kicked in and by proxy one of my own needs were met. I think people see submission as force, as if you are forced into compliance. That's where that degradation or as you said dehumanization becomes a key focal point to any casual observer. Hotel staff, the police, they were all objective observers, still nothing.

Doing it 'right' is intense because it's real, very rarely is twenty four seven real, the mind or the body gives out, in either order, people just can't handle it. For me it's the other way around, the absence of that external control means both shutdown, that's the paradigm shift and it's no different than needing oxygen to breath.

My Ex only understood what it meant to take by force, it's how he lived his life. I'd have willingly given him everything with an unquestioned eagerness and absolute obedience. All he had to do was keep his word, it was supposed to be his bond to my Family and I. He didn't know what he had, he didn't know me, just what he wanted me to be and it wasn't compatible with his natural need to take. He already had what he wanted the moment he took my hand that first night, he just didn't see it. People like that never do.

It's a very complex dynamic and my oddness came pre-programmed. Like I said before it's not theatrics, it cheapens something so integral to what to me is absolute survival. Submission to me (with the right Person) is complete freedom. The casual observer would pull from what they already know and think words like 'Master', which as I said before is not the case it's 'Sir, nor is it 'Mistress' for my girlfriend it's 'Miss'. To him there were only three people in that room, he blocked the rest out just like I did, they weren't on his list of priorities, making sure I did eat and rest was. He accomplished both without raising his hand or his voice. And he got through his own meal without even looking at me. Which is something you probably wouldn't agree with, it's complicated, but as I said it worked, he got the result we both needed.

It takes something very rooted in your mind and behavior to (A) perform that action on a person, you see it as demeaning right, this word you used dehumanizing? especially in such a setting and with no eye-contact throughout that interaction (B) to allow someone to do that to you and willingly obey quietly without making a fuss. That's just my natural reaction, I see no other viable option.

I think there's a (C) and that's the ability to witness a potential 'wrong' and do nothing. I wasn't in distress tonight, but no one else knew that and still they did nothing. Drinks came to our table during that meal, there was no reaction at all except someone looked down and said 'does she need anything?', and then they left us to it. Not 'are you okay?' they meant drinks. That's what discretion buys. For me it was normal, no different from our 'home life', but they might not have known that. They saw that power over a person and focused on their job. Perhaps the other diners thought it was amusing, there was no concern. Nor is there usually when we mingle afterwards, if anything it's frequent compliments.

My Ex did much worse and it was the same 'does she need anything?', it was obvious I needed help. We also regularly traveled, each city changed but the attitude in that sphere of influence remained. It didn't matter where we went, people in our social circle were all the same. They saw all of that happen, and again did nothing.

I think (C) is the real issue. The ability to look the other way or to look head-on and simply do nothing. It's the same ability people in power use every day to decide who to hire or fire. It's ever so dangerous to lose empathy, once it's gone you don't get it back. I've seen and experienced (C) on both sides of consent and non-consent. It was more than just people minding their business, it was acceptance. They assumed I'd stepped out of line and something was being done to correct my behavior. It's a kind of open secret among us older families, we live by that spare the rod and spoil the child attitude.

I understand events and experiences after I slot them, take a step back formulate a path-way between each. It's always those same key factors, power, influence, and the lack of anything even resembling empathy. That was a regular (regular to us) members only restaurant, they didn't live that dynamic, the only thing we had in common was that social standing and wealth. You asked if there were good people in power. I think good and bad aren't black and white, there are too many areas between, places where bad things happen. And for that I can't elaborate.

W/we/my Partner as they say rub shoulders with many people in many countries, locations, cities and establishments. His methods still remain and I show him absolute obedience for the right reasons. It doesn't matter where we go, we are nomadic as I said, his treatment of me (consensual) barely raises an eyebrow, or in the case of my Ex a finger to help. I think power becomes a drug, something that needs to be fed, then as you feed it right and wrong fail to exist. It's the rule of one, everything becomes what can you do for yourself or have done for you or do to someone else. People complimented my behavior while with my Ex, and last night they complimented that same behavior with my Partner. But what are they complimenting? what they think is 'good behavior'. Such Compliments are as common as there are clouds in the sky. Those people don't live that lifestyle, they just have very rooted ideas of holding power over another person. That's when 'odd' becomes normal, both to the person giving, and the person receiving that treatment. And rarely is there the kind of perspective that comes from comparing your situation with an 'outsider'. My girlfriend is technically an outsider, but we two see her as one of us. She already has that perspective and her ability to S/switch means she doesn't have to fully conform. She can speak her mind, and often does, at length.

For the longest time I was hanging onto little pieces and fragments of my Ex. I didn't want to but he was there. I have a tradition with my girlfriend where we'll set aside an evening to just watch movies. She's very particular when it comes to taste, and so the wall of Mark Wahlberg was born. It was a stack of movies starring him that she wanted to watch. The comprise this time was that she would swoon over Walberg and I'd swoon over George Clooney. The movie was called Three Kings. As usual I had a note-pad with me for writing down songs, lyrics, or time-codes so I could grow my music playlist. Afterwards she'd have questions like 'what was Iraq like?' she knew I'd been there, and I told her it wasn't great and that the people had so little. We moved onto the next movie 'Fear', once again with Wahlberg. It was about a young girl from a prim and proper background and a the boy who was a little rougher around the edges and mysterious. She fell for him, eventually he showed his true colours. He said things, did things. Throughout the movie she was watching me for a reaction. I had none, I'd normalized that behavior. The credits came up, she took my note-pad and wrote 'that's what he did to you', handed it back and looked me dead in the eye. That was the moment I admitted everything. I'd caved over that look before, this was different. She was right. I hadn't really faced what he'd done to me, I'd normalized it, she hadn't.

The character in the movie was a stalker and a psychopath. I think that same psychopathy is an unseen problem for society (your society) and hence why I said it hides in plain sight, and that's because those same people present such a clean image. My Partner doesn't have to hide who he is nor do I, we can exist in that same world with that same gender divide/power divide and the end result is that no one gets hurt. He's a good man in a room full of bad people. That badness isn't exclusive to my world.

That person who tried to get that jackpot, the one who you said 'that's so dehumanizing'. Do you remember the charity I was supporting at the time? That was domestic violence. He knew what my Ex did, knew I started to make inroads into helping women who didn't have those resources. He used all of that to try to work me like a cash-machine. He came from the outside and all he saw were dollar signs. Was he lacking empathy too? maybe. I'll never know.

My friend from Saint Petersburg saved me from a very bad situation. A week or so later she came to Moscow to see me, my parents offered her whatever she wanted as thanks and she didn't take a single penny. She told them that she wouldn't put a price on our friendship and they respected that. She was after all a business woman, and self made. All of her schooling and most of her early life has been spent in America, we found each other many years ago. We had a system of talking out loud in Russian on the phone during the day (she assumed someone was in ear-shot) then at night or even when she was in work she'd take it upon herself to teach me things that she felt were being kept out of my life, some were very basic and I included some examples. Others were more geared towards things like Racism, Black Lives Matter, and other injustices in the world that she knew were being covered up on State TV. She didn't just help me that night with my 'get-away', she monitored little events in my life and called out what she saw. We couldn't always fix each little event but she provided a kind of objective observance, that's why my Ex hated her and tried to keep her away. It's also why I tried to spoil her at every opportunity. I didn't even know I was sheltered before I met her, she never once made an issue of explaining the smallest things.

This is the kind of person who had to flee their own country, just for being a good person and always doing the right thing. For being absolutely true to herself when being true and loving another person was almost a death sentence. I can't sum her up in words, she's more than words to me.

Some of those examples look a little funny now but that was years ago and I was really sheltered, I've come a long'ish way from then. I believe you'd call her liberal in her views. She saw a lot of wrong in the world and though she wasn't from mine she still managed to gain a kind of respect that I've yet to see repeated. Her parents were mixed, one Russian and one America, this was rare. I think you are correct when you said she'd probably not agreed to discuss gender or sexuality with me. Everything else seemed to be on the table, or she'd sneak it in. I don't know if you can get a feel for what kind of a person she is from those few snippets, she was just such a good person, you'd have liked her.

To me she was not just a friend, she was a superhero, one who wore two capes. One the flag of our country, and the other your Pride flag. A very dangerous extremist symbol now. She knew the risks that night and stayed on task to try to extract as much information out of me as fast as possible. I wasn't alone, someone was waiting in the hallway and if they got suspicious my phone might be checked, leading him right back to her. That's why I made that call, I did it for her not myself. I could have made that call at any-time, it was a system my Family put in place to ensure my safety but I'd been too afraid to use it. He was caught unaware that night, we only had two 'friends' with us and he'd had a couple of drinks. The whole thing caught him by surprise, just like he'd caught me by surprise when he turned out to not be a Prince Charming but a Big Bad Wolf. It was so fast that no one had time to react, it was professional and efficient. The concern was what would happen if they got there too late and if my phone had been checked. I had no way to stay in communication once I left the restroom and all I could think about was 'what if he was tapped into my phone and reading my messages live' I didn't keep track of how long I'd been gone, I knew he did. He always did. He'd tried so many times to keep us apart but she kept going against him, she was my life-line when I had no life.

One percent means something different to me, my friend who helped me that night was the one percent of people in your world/society who did reach into mine and help. Like you she was unique, I don't want to reduce that uniqueness to 'you were both gay' but I have to include it because that very same uniqueness is being beaten and run out of my Homeland. I'll never understand what she felt or went through that made her leave everything she knew behind. I can analyse, study and understand many things but I'll never understand why people want people like you and she removed from the world. I think that's a real crime and a real tragedy, not my life. I'm resilient, W/we have our set parameters and he doesn't break them. Yes he's much older, but he really does care about me, even if yes how we 'interact' sounds very strange. I said he is my mental protection when W/we're out together because he is. I don't feel that same kind of fear or danger by his side. It doesn't matter if I'm standing beside him, sitting beside him, kneeling beside him or laying beside him, that fear and danger starts to slowly lift. It's not a permanent lift but it's enough to give me the calm needed to venture out a little.

I don't know what people are supposed to do when they do live in a word where simply being different means danger and the constant fear that accompanies a target on their back. Not without the resources for protection. I see protection as only two things, fists of fire-arms, that's my normal. I didn't know things had gotten that bad on the 'outside'. I have very distinct reasons why I limit my time outside and why I'm never alone. That shouldn't be the case for unique people and or as you said transpeople. You might never understand my world and those internal divides. I might understand pieces of yours but I'll never understand why anyone would want to remove that unique and diverse spark.

I think people are always going to have a particular image of wealthy Elites and it will never lift because we're so closed off from the world by design, if we're shown the truth we might care. I wasn't shown anything, I broke ranks and it took seeing people like you being beaten by riot squads, jailed and worse before I even knew what gay actually meant. The irony is that all I had to do was pick up a thesaurus - happy, cheerful, bright and care-free. The world needs more of those qualities not less. I don't think my Family will ever give me an acceptable answer for why it's wrong to be so unique. I believe in a reason for everything, I work hard to find them but I don't think there is a reason for hating people who are different. You might think I'm the one without freedom and deserve better. I think it's people like you who are more deserving of that freedom and respect. My world is older and very set in it's way, I grew up this way and I'm still growing, learning and adapting. My world is never going to change, we are the very definition of generational and I fully accept that. I just wish yours did change. The things you told me, there's no reason for any of that to happen. You come from a civilized world, modern, it makes no sense to me. It just doesn't

@Ravix when you said some stuff was hidden for 10 years, like 'uh, oh. I don't really know you and I don't want to suddenly be dragging up all kinds of other s*** for you"

• No harm done, nothing was forcefully dragged up except some really good music, and actually because of you I'm back listening to Metal and such and in a good way. My ears might not thank you when they eventually go out of operation but we can say it was the headphones who did it. I stopped listening when I left the job, if someone rigs a position like that than I clearly didn't earn it. I didn't want to give up the actual music, that was a personal choice to just allow it to hover on the periphery until I was ready to listen again. You actually helped me get to that point without even realizing.

I'm just wary when some things can flood back unexpectedly in our minds, but we know how we dealt with things, so we are already stronger to deal with that if that does happen.

• I get that completely but I've installed a flood gate system that rivals the Panama canal, it's airtight when it needs to be. If it wasn't and if I didn't work through all of those things including the grim 'Animal' I'd be no use to anyone, or to myself. All of the rest is just daily/life routine.

But I did and then didn't know what to say after that as those thoughts came to me

• That's just empathy, it means you care which is lacking in a lot of people and since you recognized the same thing in what seems to be both our favorite albums then it makes sense you'd say something. I'll probably never even look up the lyrics to that album or their others, it's more about the feeling.

I don't think i've ever really considered you being any different based on any of the lifestyle differences, upbringing or anything either, you are still just a person I kind of relate to in some ways. That's literally all that matters.

• Thanks, people did say that at the start in gaming but the world became a very different place in just a couple of years. I do think there needs to be a certain degree of objective reasoning in some cases but at the same time I think that level of confusion on both sides of that divide means there never will be. I try to take people as they are, even if it's not always a luxury I'm afforded. I shouldn't have to jump through multiple hoops and technical conundrums just to dialogue with someone but that's also a consequence of sorts of the same situation. I think people can relate to each other in many different ways, as long as the opportunity to try is available.

I really did think I had some good gamer friends then in only five minutes I was getting messages like 'tell Putin thanks you fudging Commie' and a lot worse than that. Some were social media friends and I had selfies with certain political figures including you know who. One day it was 'cool', the next it was a target on my back, I wiped everything and locked down the rest while I juggled consoles and devices.

Then I started to see zone-chat saying things like 'Invite no Russians to Lfg'. The Call of Duty term 'No Russian' was being spammed everywhere in every group I was a member of, and of course I had Ukrainian friends too, not for long. I started logging into my different games to start checking my groups and I'd been kicked from all of them. It was that fast. I had something like sixty messages in the first half hour, that's only one of them and it's heavily censored. I was running two consoles at once just to keep up, then someone pulled the plug. That day along with the whole sentient cash-machine thing just put me off people for so long and of course it backed up everything I'd been raised to believe about Westerners. Even if I didn't want it to. Talking to you guys was the first time in years, other than DeepWeb chatrooms which are rather particular, people are there for a reason, they are missing that 'normal' too.

The things with Maroon 5 man were bad but I had a kind of familiarization with with that kind of bad, I'd normalized it and accepted it. What happened in gaming was in some ways worse, I had no contingency plan for that kind of an outcome. It's been 1,391 days since that day and not one of those people ever got back in touch (accept to ask for money) If I do log that account I see even more messages like that. I'd only ever seen gaming unite people. It was giving me a grasp of peoples lives, something to compare things to, so was my friend, now it feels like living on a far off moon. In hindsight I should never have helped those people but hindsight is always twenty twenty and some good came out of it. I discovered Indie games, found a way to support a part of the industry that deserves it and ensured my free time would be spent more productively. I think online gaming was an escape, I was seeing a lot and doing a lot but it wasn't real or tangible. I wasn't addicted but I was dependent on that social side, now I really do enjoy my own company. Being alone with my thoughts gave me a kind of maturity that I didn't previously have, I'd been trying to emulate everyone else. To attain a little of that 'normal'.

I do think i'll try and focus on the good stuff when talking though, strange tales, anecdotes, but maybe sometimes a bit of a cathartic get together in the music thread is also good from time to time

• That's why at the time I was more startled than the duck, those 'vacations', some of those destinations I'll never return to. I've seen war on both sides, that's how I'm able to form my opinion now on it being pointless. But obviously I can't voice that opinion offline. That night with the music until four in the morning back and forth, my Partner was in a similar place so I didn't go. The music took my mind off those things.

Also the bum pinch, the one saying 'are stupid lol', that's my friend from Saint Petersburg, she also attended that party. Angry nanny was the one doing the shooting. Maybe it gives you a laugh, it was a very light flesh wound, he was a big tough guy. People say we are often products our environments, I think sometimes we can be if we aren't given leave of those environments. I'm trying to think of other funny incidents, most of them were spent around those guys. I don't really know people my own age in this 'life', all they want to do is take drugs every night and drink themselves silly. I interact with a more older side of that social circle.

I think my strange tales are just a little too strange, I told my girlfriend about the duck last night and even she was taken aback for a moment. Things like that were so random that they never even registered as something all that note-worthy. The things I told my friend the night of the big rescue weren't note-worthy (to me) either, they should have been but I didn't see it. That's where perspective comes into it, seeing and hearing your music posts and others gave me perspective, that was the first time I'd even talked about Screamo with someone. Metal yes but that was part of the job, nor Emo. It was memorable, still is. Memorable for the right reasons.

Well folks, I've finally deleted Facebook. I haven't posted anything on it for a very long time, but would find myself opening the app and doing the dreaded doom scroll. I'm now free of that. the only things i'll use are WhatsApp, Youtube and of course my favourite the Pushsquare forums. I'm not a huge poster but this is the best place to come and geek out about stuff that I love and get recommendations and even different opinions on the stuff I'm into.

@MightyDemon82 I'd say congratulations but I've never had Facebook. I have heard it's gotten very particular though and that there a lot of bots. I know of doom scrolling too but never tried, I'm guessing it's just how it sounds. An endless scroll of random and topical events and posts strung together to serve some kind of deeper meaning or group message. Was there actually a gamer presence on Facebook? or did people just use it to find other players for different games.

@MightyDemon82 Congrats! I've been off it for close to 20 years now. I have the same socials, if you can even call them that, as you, but would also add PSN to that as I chat to a few peeps quite a bit at times.

@GirlVersusGame Not even for gaming, I set it up when it first came on the go and just shared things about myself, what I'd been up to and photos. Sure you can join all sorts of groups and find pretty much anything you can think of on there. Nowadays it's plagued with ads and bots and more and more toxic/gullible people that believe everything they see and read posted on it. It'll be nice just to come onto the forum here and talk with people like yourself. We can discuss all sorts of topics and share what we like and dislike about them without it turning nasty.

@JohnnyShoulder I have a few folks on PSN as well. Don't really interact with anyone on it though. I just never really used Facebook enough to justify keeping it and it seems to be getting worse anyway so I decided to pull he plug.

@MightyDemon82 That sounds a lot like Vkontakte, the Facebook I do have but now it's all State controlled so whatever you do post has eyes all over it. That's basically what it's like for whatever social media we have left, Facebook is banned now too, Discord comes and goes, Twitter is gone, SnapChat I think too and Instagram comes and goes. My only real experience with Facebook was watching a friend slowly go insane. Something snapped during lockdown and they started watching someone who talked about Flat Earth etc, it became all they consumed. Maybe two months ago they sent me 'videos' of giants building the pyramids. I heard they had to go away for treatment, I'm sure they already had issues but they were consuming AI videos about some absolutely insane theories and 'facts'. I understand a certain degree of crazy, but they really did go off the deep end Facebook was what started it all.

That was one of my only experiences (days) on Western social media. That 'poshtotty' was an ex girlfriend, I told her and she went on audio-call and 'stop trying to steal my girlfriend!' It was pretty funny. He was so confused, but he shouldn't been messaging random people like that. I didn't even know him.

The next just started asking 'what do you want?' on repeat so I said 'bring me a shrubbery', because of Monthy Python and I received that.

I think this man tried to sell me drugs, then there were all the non PG messages and pictures. This was all in one day of joining the site so I deleted my page. Probably not for the same reason as you did but, it's weird on there. I was raised without social media, I think there were pro's and cons to that outcome.

@GirlVersusGame Yes. That's exactly it, a lot of people go down some crazy rabbit holes with A.I. and conspiracy theories. Also you get the kind of people you mentioned there, stalking/creeping on people. One of my mum's friends isn't the brightest and since covid has been spreading the conspiracy theories she's read online. One person I know claimed they had gone off the grid, yet still had a phone and social media 🤣.

@MightyDemon82 @GirlVersusGame

Getting off social media is very much a good idea. A celebration is in order, Demon. It was getting bad enough anyway, and it has always been bad for the female of the species, as GvG shows with the 'in just one day' part 🙈 I mean, that is just crazy, right? But I think during Covid at least 50% of people just totally lost their minds and online has been a new type of nightmare since.

You see it on Reddit, still, maybe not surprising as Reddit is both knowingly weird (and plays up to that) but it is still full of people who are actually quite sane or empathtic, or just nice, or 'in on the joke' and there for a laugh. But every so often you see someone mention as soon as they get clocked as female on a post that gets up-voted that they then get inundated with creepyness. It's crazy to me that people still can't just have a laugh online without attracting predatory or horrible behaviour.

And then the politicised stuff is the worst for normal browsing, as everyone is so ready to attack people or defend a cause they think they care about as it fills the big fudging void in their lives. That is where doom scrolling sometimes still gets me, as 'hot topics' pop up and I find myself reading these comments and just thinking "why do you have so much hate and why am I reading it" when initially I was just looking at something funny or interesting. People do crave that easy win and the spreading of their message. And I know reading that is not good for us.

Oh no, I didn't want to make a long downbeat comment, it was supposed to be the joy of Demon taking a step away from that environment 😂 it is good, positive. Yes! It does prove I still need to work on not letting my own eyes wander when on reddit when i'm just there to look at stuff that interests me and have a laugh. Same reason we tend to move away from the comments section here, I think. I'd rather be playing a Larian game than arguing about something that blew up on social media and has spread here for no reason as it is mostly just reactionary nonsense 🙈 i'd love to go and tell people to pipe down 😛 but I barely even skimmed the article as it isn't worth the brain power.

'People lose their shhhhherbert online' report below... comments open and waiting for more people to do similar. Tiring 🙃

@GirlVersusGame I was going to reply to your other comment but i've mentally drained myself 🙈 in summary though, those people were dumb as fudge, but I don't think a lot of people in online games are very nice. I mean, I played a lot of online football games, and it feels like 90% of everyone is awful, and there's only a select amount of people that like those games I can actually get on with. It probably isn't as bad in RPG's overall, but some of those messages I think seem like they are from very emotionally underdeveloped people.

I know there was tonnes more in you comment, some kind of funny in a very strange and specific way, but my brain really is like a tired, wet bag of rubbish, so I need to go play some Divinity 😄😄

Maybe we can also get you back gaming again, as you admit you haven't played much for a while. Maybe not online gaming though, something with story elements, or would you still prefer the kind of grind and craft and build stuff type of game, a kind of meditative gaming. Maybe a Larian RPG would be a good idea, but that is of course a selfish suggestion as my brain can only process so many things at once and i'm in my latest rpg fascination 😄

@MightyDemon82 Yes. That's exactly it, a lot of people go down some crazy rabbit holes with A.I. and conspiracy theories.

• Is there actually a reason for that? It seems to be happening to so many people, are they trying to stitch together what ever is going on in the world today? It's just so strange that it's even happening, I've only ever seen A.I. in gaming and even that was enough. You'd think they'd naturally see through it.

One of my mum's friends isn't the brightest and since covid has been spreading the conspiracy theories she's read online. One person I know claimed they had gone off the grid, yet still had a phone and social media.

• I Once chatted to an old woman on the DeepWeb (long story) and we were talking about CERN because I'd just done a tour and I loved it. She went down this absolutely insane rabbithole about how it was built on a portal to hell, how whatever was inside the injection was black goo from demons, that once you get that injection you inherit a demon, after about two hours she'd managed to tie it all into a train her cousin 'thinks' she saw driving past with the markings 'covid 19'. It was astonishing to just sit there and sip my drink while she just created this tapestry of wildness, she didn't know I hadn't seen the news or non-State TV in years so I had no clue what she was talking about but I found it so hard to just leave the conversation. I wanted to see what she'd say next.

She believed it all, I've talked to 'interesting' people on there but that was an experience. She was on there to hide from her government, I was on there to hide from genuine repression. I wish I logged the chat but it all wipes when you sign out. Then she tried to convince me that because there are Freemasons in my family that I'd been promised to Satan since birth, I told her I was considering joining the female arm for daughters/wives and she almost imploded. I didn't join but I did consider it. It's basically a female branch of the same Masonic order that goes back to the 1800s, they had a local chapter when I lived in New York and were involved in a lot of philanthropy and charity. Charity is a core belief of Masonry, not many people seem to realize that. She sure didn't. There was so much more she said but I was just in awe that an adult, an Elder even believed it. I think she's one of the oddest people I've talked to on there other than quicksand man who would just gurgle, he was unique.

@Ravix See it's hard for me to call them dumb as fudge because I can kind of understand some of it. If you aren't clued into parts of the world you have to rely on others to provide that 'news' and if they were getting that news from an unverified source they might have been caught up in that absolute media storm. So in a way I understand. I think some people needed a dartboard to feel involved in that how you say, I don't know the word but when the world is complete shocked and disgusted at the same time.

Why would people be so awful in virtual soccer? it's just a ball? I'd understand shooting someone and them getting annoyed because 'you killed me bruo, etc' but how do you fight over kicking a ball around. Isn't it just sportsmanship or is it more like the Football Factory and people are so passionate about an online team that want to virtual throw a brick at you or whatever.

Emotionally underdeveloped might be it. I'll tell you a funny story. One day we were all maybe ten of us in chat with microphones, they hear bubbles so they asked what I was smoking, I was in the hot-tub, then I realized most if not all of them got high pretty regularly. Maybe that was it too, I wasn't high I was getting comfortable. They were hearing the water going through the jets, it makes that pop pop bubble bubble sounds. You know those long glasses people put weed inside or whatever then light it and some how it bubbles? they thought I was doing that.

I know there was tonnes more in you comment, some kind of funny in a very strange and specific way, but my brain really is like a tired, wet bag of rubbish.

• That is a really unique visual but it's fine really and strange, funny fits. I try to find humor in some of the more strange parts. I didn't think the duck was funny at the time I thought too much vodka and handguns don't mix, but now I can kind of see the funny side. Life at times is just very-very-very serious, events like that break it up a little. I don't think it's healthy to be around certain things but it's not my place to cause a fuss and funny events are a kind of rarity.

I'll tell you a funny story about the music industry though. Have you heard of Thin Lizzy? Years ago I was at a show and the venue had a box reserved for his Mum. She was a lovely woman, afterwards we went back to a party. But it was all old people, she hosted it and invited me along as some kind granddaughter or something, I don't know, but she was lovely and everyone said I should go.

I was there maybe an hour or so and really enjoying my time with all of this interesting old ladies, they'd seen some things and I enjoyed their warmness. I'd had a glass of wine and was feeling more open to conversation so I pointed to her necklace (she wore many) and asked was that Jesus in the picture.

Everyone and mean everyone in that room stopped, even the live violinist. She put her hand on my wrist and said 'do you do drugs child?', I said no thank you I haven't tried and I'm not allowed. And again silence, she went on to tell me that was her son, that he did drugs and it cost him his life and that I should never touch them. It was Phil Lynott's Mum, I actually felt like the ground was going to open and I'd drop through. She'd invited me back because she wanted to 'reach' a young person and spread her message but my mistaking her son for Jesus caught everyone in the room off-guard. The thing is I don't even know how the others heard me because the room was quite large and I speak very quietly by nature. But they somehow heard. When I told the guys on the tour they almost died from laughter and shock, so there's one for you.

I'll never ever live that down, they told everyone and it was the same reaction. I'd heard songs like Whiskey in the Jar but I rarely looked at music videos, I didn't know what he looked like. Afterwards I did because there was a statue of him outside a bar right by one of the hotels and there he was 'Jesus' in the bronzed flesh.