Topic: The Witty Jokes and Funny Sayings Thread

All the hilarious Push Squarers (PushSquires anyone?) here is a place to share any great jokes you may of heard or any funny sayings. Avoid anything that can be defined as racist, sexist or is offensive. Obviously jokes about the xbox are fair game

I will start us off;

Why did the toilet roll, roll down the hill?

To get to the bottom.

2 men are in a bar the first man turns to the second man and say "i slept with your mother"
everyone in the bar turns to see how the second man reacts but he does nothing
the first man then says "did you hear me,i said i SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER"
the second man turns to the first man and says
"go home dad your drunk"

Doctor Doctor I think I'm overweight.

Nonsense sir, now pull up 3 chairs and we will talk about it.

a psychiatrist goes to see a prisoner convicted of assault
he asks what happened
the prisoner says "i was on a ferris wheel and i attacked the person in the seat behind me"
the psychiatrist asks why he did it
the prisoner answers "because he wouldn't stop following me"

My email got hacked the other day and I had to choose a new password with 8 characters so I chose snow white and the seven dwarfs

Three blondes go on a nature walk and come across some tracks. The first blonde declares them as being fox tracks, the second insists that they are rabbit tracks and the third says they are both wrong and they are squirrel tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.

I can resist anything....except temptation (Oscar Wilde)

A bird asks his mum "Why do my wings look different to yours?"

The mother says "Well, son - you're adapted"

I'm here all night

How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

2 but how do you get them in the light bulb?

What do you call a sheep on a trampoline?
A woolly jumper....

Went over to the vending machine earlier - picked a mars bar on the keypad, surprisingly the vending machine swore at me and refused to drop me the mars bar. I pleaded, but the vending machine laughed and mockingly stated I was uglier than Diego Costa before threatening to kill me. There was a post it note on the machine. OUT OF ORDER.

What did Zelda tell Link in front of the locked door?

Triforce

Youtube, Twitter and Facebook came together to build the best website ever...

You twit face.

_{Let's keep away from religious type jokes please -Tasuki-}

Two electrons are walking down a street, one says; "I think I saw an atom earlier"
The other says; "are you sure?"
First one replies; "I'm positive!"

Was reading a book about anti-gravity the other day...
It's so good I couldn't put in down!

A redhead is talking to a man at a party, she says "you look like my fourth husbund"
He replies "How many times have you been married?"
She answers "Three."

Three Americans and three scousers are travelling by train. At the station, the three Americans each buy tickets and watch as the three scousers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an American. "Watch" answers a scouser. They all board the train. The Americans take their respective seats but all three scousers cram into the toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The Americans saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So, on the return trip, the Americans decide to copy the scousers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the scousers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed American. "Watch" says a scouser. When they board the train the three Americans cram into a toilet and the three scousers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the scousers leaves his toilet and walks over to the toilet where the Americans are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please".

What's the difference between Newcastle United and a teabag?

A teabag stays longer in a cup........

What have the starship enterprise and toilet paper got in common?

They both fly around Uranus wiping out clingons.